Today in dance we had one of our other teachers, ms Camille, teach class tonight because ms Laura is currently taking care of her daughter Siobhan (i’m sure you’ve all heard of her accident).
Tonight was also the first class back from summer and i am so pumped up about the Oireachtas. Just the energy that ms Camille brought to class and the pointers she had really opened my eyes tonight. I need to dance 100 percent EVERY CLASS. I WILL reach my goal this Oireachtas. Last year i placed 44th, which was four placements away from qualifying for nationals, and this year i want to bump it up and go for the top 20. Last year 15 competitors made it to world qualifying. So by setting my goal to top twenty i would be basically doubling my placement. I will get there. I have a lot of things to work on but i WILL be top 20. I know the things i need to do, stamina, and making my hardshoe all around better, and just owning the stage. This will be my second Oireachtas, and going into my fourth year dancing, but i will do this.
Sometimes i think back to when i was in that mental place after i tried to kill myself and i can’t sleep. It was the scariest thing i’ve ever had to go through.
Some might say the scary things were how the staff checked your clothes for forks and spoons and such after you left the cafeteria, or the food there lol. Or maybe the girl who would seem so strong during the day but at night would scream for a gun. Or the girl that hit one of the staff and was taken to jail for a night. Perhaps the scariest was the younger girl who started to take the threads out of her clothes to make a noose, and had to be sedated after trying to choke herself. Or how there were little children there with anger issues and would swear like sailors. Or maybe the blood tests they had you take all the time to see if you were on drugs and such.
But none of those things were scarier than how everyone was so okay on the outside one moment, but then something would happen and you would see them slowly break down into nothing. I was one of those girls.
The first full day i was there i was so scared of everyone. I didn’t talk to anyone. And then the counselor called my parents to drive out so he could talk to them. I remember seeing mom and dad walking to his room, and i cried out and tried to run to them but a staff member stopped me and my parents saying we couldn’t see each other. They went into the room and i stayed in the chair in the “activity room” and completely broke down. I was making noises you don’t make when you just cry, i was heart broken and scared and i needed my parents. And they wouldn’t let me.
Thats when i made my first friend though. It was a boy around 13 or so, but he acted much much older. He was in for drug and alcohol addiction. He just looked across the room and told me it would all be okay, and somehow that helped. Later that day he asked if i was a dancer, and i told him yes but asked how he knew. He said it was because i curled my toes a lot, and sat with them on the floor turned out.
The staff eventually became familiar and nice. They liked me because i would talk about God. It was the only thing that kept me calm. I slept every night with my bible under me, and my teddy bear in my arms.
Thinking back to all this makes me cry a lot, so i try to block it out. I can still feel the pain i felt when i was there, and how i would cry when i had to say goodbye to my parents after visiting hours. They would always bring me some food to eat because the food they had there i swear had cancer cells in it. My mom told me once in private that my dad would look forward to those nights because he said “ive never been more excited to bring a teenager some food”.
I never want to feel like that again though. Some people say they know what pain is, but i’ve seen it at its worse. The scars i have on my wrist and hips mean more than just the many days i gave in to my pain. They show a huge part of my life and i’ve finally come to terms with them.
Sorry for the long post. I just needed to get this all of my chest. Please if anyone needs to ask or tell me anything, my ask is always open to you, follower or not.
So i was falling asleep perfectly fine and then out of nowhere i started remembering halloween horror nights last year and now i’m trying to distract myself lol.
Basically i get scared REALLY easily, and when i get scared, i start crying uncontrollable and having a panic attack. You can imagine how my HHN experience was. But now that i started thinking about it again i started shaking and almost crying all over again so im just here on tumblr probably until daylight when i’ll have to go to school with no sleep..yay.
Last night I fell asleep smelling like you..it’s been a long time since I’ve had that scent cling to my skin.
I miss you.
I’ve decided that i need a guy like Freddie from uk Skins.
Someone who’s going to take care of me at my worse without a second thought, and does his best to make me happy. Someone who I can count on to yank me out of bed or the house when I don’t seem myself. Who won’t let me watch depressing movies or stay up to late by myself. I know it all seems too much, but it’s what I need i think. Someone who won’t let me dwell in depression.